Poems
Casualty
I loved you with no limits, even when I knew you couldn't do the same. I took you as is, I accepted every flaw that you had. I knew where you stood and trust me when I say I never meant to fall for the devil. You have so many good things about you, because the devil was once an angel and when I look at you that is what I see who you were and who you could be. I never asked for you to drop the way you think and be with me. I only asked for you to let me care for you and for you to care and respect my feelings. The only thing I got was being confused as to who I really am? Why could someone who told me cares about me so much treat me the way you have treated me. I saw the good you didn't want to see, so you ruined what was there in spite of it. You told me you didn't want to be happy, and I hoped you could be changed. I hoped you'd let me show you that you deserve love also but know I know you don't. If you deserved love you would have never made me a casualty of your demise. You wouldn't have made me feel this way. Unwanted, unwelcome in a place that was my safe spot. You truly showed your colors and proved to me that you fell from heaven for a reason and you are going to burn for the rest of your life. I love you but holding on hurts worse than letting go. I refuse to let you drag me down to a place that I never want to see again. So this is it, a sad goodbye to a person who I thought was different. I hope you find something to let you love again but until then I can't stick around and let you make an example of me. I'm working my way back to where I belong, and right now that picture doesn't include you.
Concrete blocks
I realized that you have become a separate entity. Another person that has occupation over my brain. I say one thing and you contradict me. You are a parasite. As I struggle you hold on and keep me in the dark. You have become another part of me, a part that I no longer want. I want nothing to do with you. You are the one person at the party that is vindictive and mean. So why would I still feed you, and let you live? I feel as if I'm in an endless ocean and I'm drowning. I want to live and I can see the surface but it seems so far away because you are strapped to my legs like concrete blocks. You are pulling me further down into the deep ocean and I know I don't want that but I feel like I don't have the strength to fight you anymore. For a while I felt like you had won. You were the sole person in my head now, Morgan didn't exist anymore. But I saw a shine of light at the surface and I snapped out of it and I started to fight. I don't want to drown and I don't want to be known as you. Because IM NOT YOU. I'm independent and kind, and I don't need you. So I'm cutting you from my life, one string at a time. I'm letting you go and separating my self from you. I acknowledge that you exist I'm just done feeding into you. So I'm cutting you off, you can sink like the concrete blocks you are because I'm going to swim.
Path
I wanted you to save me, I really did. As I was suffocating I thought that you would realize and help, you would grab my arm and pull me above water and everything would be fine. Things would go back to how they were before everything. But you never came, you didn't save me I saved myself. I was the one who pulled my head above water and started treading again. I don't blame you, I know you said that you would always save me but life happens and you didn't save me. Plain and simple. Now I don't blame you, not entirely what I do blame you for is saying you were my "best friend" but couldn't even fucking see how much I was struggling. I was under the water and you were pouring more over me. Not intentionally I know, but I put so much on you that I believed that you were my light at the end of the tunnel. But your not and I realize this now. My idea that you were perfect for me is now jaded by the fact that the traits that were perfect for me were lost. I get this now and I'm ready to cut the ties and move on. We came to a fork in the road and you chose right and I know you will always be right. I really wanted to choose right but she chose right also and you chose her, and it was then that I knew right wasn't for me. Right wasn't going to be challenging it would be easy. So I'm going left, I'm paving my own path and I'm doing it for me.
Wrong direction
The past couple of years you have become someone I believed I knew, my best friend. I knew who you were and where you stood yet something in you caught my attention from the beginning. As time went on I realized whatever "this" was was so over my head. I wanted you to fight for me, and I wanted you to chose me the one person that saw through all the bullshit you fed people. I've realized recently that this is like walking into a pitch black room with the light switch nowhere to be found. I keep moving forward because I hear you voice but isn't that how the devil tempted eve? This is the wrong direction for me and I realize this now. You told me you didn't want to be happy but know I see that you ruin anything that is good so you don't have to be happy. So be it, but I refuse to be one of your casualties. I love you but I can't do this anymore. I'm walking in a different direction, one that leads me away from you.
Tomorrow
Yesterday I wanted to give up, not like giving up on a hard question or even giving up on the semester. No I wanted to give up on life, take a few more pills lay down and go to sleep, and hopefully not wake up. Looking at it now, I don’t know what brought me to this point but I think It was a mixture of things. Being lonely, feeling lost and confused, feeling numb. But here I am today, because instead of taking all those pills I put them back in the bottle, sat in bed and stared at the wall. I made a choice last night, and that was to live because I knew if I chose to give up then I would be hurting people that I cared about. My parents would morn for the child they lost so young, my sister would have no one to be her bride’s maid or be the godmother to her children. My best friend would lose her smile, the boy that I'm in love with would leave for the navy with the fact that he couldn't save me in his head. The more I thought about that the more I realized that I can't give up and I can't let this win. I need to be stronger, I need to make sure that will never destroy myself because I still have so much ahead of me to look forward to. A family and a life that I have yet to find. So even though inside I'm tired and slowly dying I will push till I find something to revive my soul. Tomorrow I will try harder, try to take a step toward getting rid of the darkness that can be seen in my eyes. Because if not for me, for the people that I love.
Too Much
People say I love too much, care too much, forgive too much. Me I think I don't give too much to myself. I see people for the potential they could be but discredit myself every chance I get. People offer let it go, move on but I latch to that negative energy like a child to its mother. I let others feed off of my too much, so I guess the question is why? I know because too many times I don't know what to do with all that too much. So I give it out instead of giving it to myself. So eventually my too much becomes too little.